A post on Facebook regarding the 17th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide (hence the referral to him later in this post) has triggered my thoughts, and, needing to be shared in as many places as possible, I felt compelled to share them here as well.
When it comes to suicide and suicidal thoughts, I am not always the most sympathetic person. It causes SO MUCH pain for those that are left behind, I can get quite angry with someone who is suicidal, especially if they already know my story and try to threaten me with their suicidal thoughts. Of course, that's a totally different topic. But if someone shares with me that they feel suicidal, I share with them my story. First of all, that my step-dad committed suicide to escape jail. He wasn't well liked by pretty much anyone at that point and still his death inflicted a great amount of pain. We may have been angry with him, hurt by him, yet we loved him and despite the circumstances, were devastated by his choice. He was a coward. His death was brought about by cowardice and fear. The realization that someone who could cause as much pain as he did in life could also cause so much anguish in death was an eye opener because I realized I had many more people who loved me than he did and I saw how much pain it would cause should I choose that path.
Secondly, my brothers suicide was different. He was truly at the bottom of the pit. He had tied the knot so many times and clung to it and it got frayed. To me, my brother is a casualty of the spiritual war that we all battle every day. There was no one at fault in his death except Satan who choose to attack him with everything he had that fateful day. He was sick, he was alone, he was losing his dreams.... Sadly, the next day he got the job of his dreams, his girlfriend had NOT dumped him as he believed... One more day would have made a world of difference to him. Satan knew that and attacked while he was weak. Further, his father's choice of death opened that door to him. There was fear that he would be like his father, there was fear he was unloved. He knew his sisters loved him. I'll never truly know (this side of heaven) why he made the choice he did, but I'm certainly glad that God knows and that God was with him when he died.
This is not to justify or to romanticize suicide by any means. It means that there are many reasons, many paths to that choice. I realize this is not an article about suicide in general, but rather an article about Kurt Cobain. I didn't know the man. I didn't know his music. What I do know is that anytime we discuss someone who has committed suicide we must be careful to be free of judgment, free of condemnation. Kurt Cobain's life does not appear to be lived in Godly standards. He chose poorly, he got trapped by Satan. Let us never forget who the true enemy is. Let us never forget that Satan uses confusion, angst, depression and any other trap he can get his hands on to entangle us up with him. Was Kurt Cobain an example of a Christian life? I doubt it. Was his death an example to us? Yes, because we can look at the pain and the angst that influenced him to make that decision, we can look at the pain and suffering that his decision caused others.
Don't let Satan win the battle for your life by taking it yourself. Make him fight for it with everything you have, recognize that is is he who wants you dead, and turn to God for your true life!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Friday, March 19, 2010
Conflicting Days
Today is a day that will carry joys, sorrows, tears, laughter, good and bad. For each of us, it will be a different day with different experiences.
I took my mom and her husband to the airport bright and early this morning. They are headed to BC because today is the day my step-sister and her family will bury their baby girl. Little Naomi was born prematurely at 2 lbs, 11 oz, with more problems than a baby can survive, she had Trisomy 18 (causing a hole in her spine and an under-developed heart), Spinal Bifida and Club Foot. We have known she wouldn't live since the first ultrasound but it doesn't change that it hurts. That this precious little gift could only be enjoyed for a few days before she left our lives. Today is a day of great sorrow for my family, but it will be interspersed with happy moments.
That's the way of it. We grieve while we laugh sometimes. We love while we are angry. We are a people of mixed and conflicted emotions and actions.
Today, I will grieve with my family from afar. I will do all I can for them from this distance, I will love, I will remember, I will cry. But most of all, I will pray for them and share their burden in whatever way is possible. I wish I could do more.
I cannot imagine what my step-sister is going through today. To be perfectly honest, I don't even want to try because I know that kind of pain would be overwhelming and devastating. I weep for her, and today I will weep with them, even though I am at a distance.
I took my mom and her husband to the airport bright and early this morning. They are headed to BC because today is the day my step-sister and her family will bury their baby girl. Little Naomi was born prematurely at 2 lbs, 11 oz, with more problems than a baby can survive, she had Trisomy 18 (causing a hole in her spine and an under-developed heart), Spinal Bifida and Club Foot. We have known she wouldn't live since the first ultrasound but it doesn't change that it hurts. That this precious little gift could only be enjoyed for a few days before she left our lives. Today is a day of great sorrow for my family, but it will be interspersed with happy moments.
That's the way of it. We grieve while we laugh sometimes. We love while we are angry. We are a people of mixed and conflicted emotions and actions.
Today, I will grieve with my family from afar. I will do all I can for them from this distance, I will love, I will remember, I will cry. But most of all, I will pray for them and share their burden in whatever way is possible. I wish I could do more.
I cannot imagine what my step-sister is going through today. To be perfectly honest, I don't even want to try because I know that kind of pain would be overwhelming and devastating. I weep for her, and today I will weep with them, even though I am at a distance.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I am not alone.
Tonight, as I was resettling my youngest after he fell out of bed, he was lying in bed crying as I sat on the floor beside him. I tried holding and even rocking him, but he was not calming down so I put him in bed and sat beside him. As I sat there I realized, he doesn't realize I'm still here. He can't see me, he can't hear me, yet, here I am.
That is just like how I am with God sometimes. I sit and cry, and wonder why He's not beside me, when He is. It's just dark in my world and He's being comforting with His presence, even when I'm unaware that He's there. He's not gone, He hasn't left me alone, He is waiting for me to calm down so He can offer comfort and bring peace. My not recognizing His presence doesn't erase it.
I cling to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. In my dark hours, when I feel alone, I remember that and I know that no matter how I feel, He is with me.
That is just like how I am with God sometimes. I sit and cry, and wonder why He's not beside me, when He is. It's just dark in my world and He's being comforting with His presence, even when I'm unaware that He's there. He's not gone, He hasn't left me alone, He is waiting for me to calm down so He can offer comfort and bring peace. My not recognizing His presence doesn't erase it.
I cling to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. In my dark hours, when I feel alone, I remember that and I know that no matter how I feel, He is with me.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year
A new year, a new start. Some of the starts are newer than we want them to be, some of the endings are more painful.
Christmas was a painful one this year. I've had worse, but I've definitely had better. A time of renewal, of refreshing, of change. Many questions have arisen, where do I go from here? How do I continue moving forward? What will I need to take care of myself in the long term?
There are a lot of decisions to be made, a lot of things to settle in my life this New Year. Hopefully it will be a good year, a year of renewal and recharging the
batteries and refreshing relationships.
I question my own strength, yet I know that my strength is what I allow it to be. I have the strength to do all that is before me, to be all that I need to be. Some days I don't want it, I don't want to need that much strength. Regardless, I need it and I have it. This is a good opportunity to stretch my wings, expand my horizons and exercise my strength. Just because it is a place I'd rather not be in does not change that I have what it takes or that it is the best place for me to be.
Christmas was a painful one this year. I've had worse, but I've definitely had better. A time of renewal, of refreshing, of change. Many questions have arisen, where do I go from here? How do I continue moving forward? What will I need to take care of myself in the long term?
There are a lot of decisions to be made, a lot of things to settle in my life this New Year. Hopefully it will be a good year, a year of renewal and recharging the
batteries and refreshing relationships.
I question my own strength, yet I know that my strength is what I allow it to be. I have the strength to do all that is before me, to be all that I need to be. Some days I don't want it, I don't want to need that much strength. Regardless, I need it and I have it. This is a good opportunity to stretch my wings, expand my horizons and exercise my strength. Just because it is a place I'd rather not be in does not change that I have what it takes or that it is the best place for me to be.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
$10 Challenge
It's an interesting thing to give to someone in need or undeserving. My friend, Louise has chosen to partake in the $10 Challenge and has challenged the rest of us to also. Bill Coffey started the challenge and you can follow the link to his site to read it fully.
At this time of year, there are many who give selflessly, thinking of others and not of themselves, others who give thinking only of themselves and still others who give because they have to (I'm thinking of store clerks who are harried at this time of year). What can I give willingly that might make a difference to someone's day? No matter if I can only afford a $1, what can I sacrifice to help someone else feel a little bit of the love of God at this time when we celebrate His Gift to us? $10 seems like a small thing, a tiny token, but it can change the life or at least day of someone we come across.
My Mom occasionally gives the store clerk a chocolate bar, what if we were more prepared and had little cards in our purses/wallets to give along with it with a note of encouragement and/or thanks for those people who work double-time this time of year? Whether you do a spur of the moment gift or put some forethought into it, please let me know what it is you did, pass along your ideas so others can share them.
God bless you!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Assault of Grief
It is a strange thing to grieve, to need to grieve. It assaults you, comes in waves, attacks at inopportune moments and lasts for years. You cannot gauge or predict how long it will take to go through the grieving process. It varies from person to person and is not something to be ignored and brushed away. You can't brush it away in fact, because it will jump out when you least expect it, demanding attention and refusing to be set aside again. If we choose to resist facing it, it affects our mental health until we stop and look at it face to face.
I grieve. Some days more than others. Some things I take out in little pieces because I fear that to face it all at once would be more than I could bear, and yet there are times when it threatens to overwhelm me and I must find a space to breathe.
I have tried to resist grieving, to put it aside until a better time, but there truly is no better time. If we grieve in the moment of our pain, it is easier to own, easier to share. When we put it off, we are misunderstood, we lose the support of our immediate community. There is still support, but we must be willing to seek it because most will think we are "over it". The truth is that the thing that makes us grieve, also makes us who we are. It becomes a part of us, a part of who we are.
My grief has brought me to envy the sibling relationships of other people, to encourage them to appreciate every moment, every memory they make with their siblings, to not let insignificant things come between them. There are days when just hearing someone talk about their sister brings me to tears, days when I still, almost 4 years later, think to pick up the phone to call either my brother or my sister, only to remember they aren't there.
The truth is though, that I will forever carry them in my heart, that they will never be far from me unless I chose to let them go. If I refuse to talk about them, if I refuse to remember them or look at their pictures, then they will disappear. I will not allow them to disappear. I will tell their stories, and hopefully in the telling, they will live on and enable others to live past the moment of their pain.
Maybe, in our grief, we can help others walk the pathway of life in a better, truer way. It is one way that our pain can bring good out of bad.
It's another Blog Carnival Tuesday! This week's word is "Grief". To read other blogs on this word, click here.
I grieve. Some days more than others. Some things I take out in little pieces because I fear that to face it all at once would be more than I could bear, and yet there are times when it threatens to overwhelm me and I must find a space to breathe.
I have tried to resist grieving, to put it aside until a better time, but there truly is no better time. If we grieve in the moment of our pain, it is easier to own, easier to share. When we put it off, we are misunderstood, we lose the support of our immediate community. There is still support, but we must be willing to seek it because most will think we are "over it". The truth is that the thing that makes us grieve, also makes us who we are. It becomes a part of us, a part of who we are.
My grief has brought me to envy the sibling relationships of other people, to encourage them to appreciate every moment, every memory they make with their siblings, to not let insignificant things come between them. There are days when just hearing someone talk about their sister brings me to tears, days when I still, almost 4 years later, think to pick up the phone to call either my brother or my sister, only to remember they aren't there.
The truth is though, that I will forever carry them in my heart, that they will never be far from me unless I chose to let them go. If I refuse to talk about them, if I refuse to remember them or look at their pictures, then they will disappear. I will not allow them to disappear. I will tell their stories, and hopefully in the telling, they will live on and enable others to live past the moment of their pain.
Maybe, in our grief, we can help others walk the pathway of life in a better, truer way. It is one way that our pain can bring good out of bad.
It's another Blog Carnival Tuesday! This week's word is "Grief". To read other blogs on this word, click here.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
To Stay or Go?
Today I was reading on BibleGateway for my devotional and came across these verses:
1 Peter 2:22-25 (Contemporary English Version)
22 Christ did not sin
or ever tell a lie.
23 Although he was abused,
he never tried to get even.
And when he suffered,
he made no threats.
Instead, he had faith in God,
who judges fairly.
24 Christ carried the burden
of our sins.
He was nailed to the cross,
so that we would stop sinning
and start living right.
By his cuts and bruises
you are healed.
25 You had wandered away
like sheep.
Now you have returned
to the one
who is your shepherd
and protector.
It made me stop to think. Sometimes we read verses like this and assume that because Jesus didn’t sin or complain or retaliate when He was abused that He did nothing. The truth of it is that there were many times that He just walked away – like when they tried to stone Him or push Him off the cliff. He allowed them to abuse and murder Him at His death because that was the plan all along and there was value in it. He doesn’t ask us to stay in abusive situations unless He has a plan that will bring about good in our lives and to His glory.
Is God asking you to stay where you are? Or are you choosing to remain in an abusive place out of a misconception that that is how Jesus insists it be done?
1 Peter 2:22-25 (Contemporary English Version)
22 Christ did not sin
or ever tell a lie.
23 Although he was abused,
he never tried to get even.
And when he suffered,
he made no threats.
Instead, he had faith in God,
who judges fairly.
24 Christ carried the burden
of our sins.
He was nailed to the cross,
so that we would stop sinning
and start living right.
By his cuts and bruises
you are healed.
25 You had wandered away
like sheep.
Now you have returned
to the one
who is your shepherd
and protector.
It made me stop to think. Sometimes we read verses like this and assume that because Jesus didn’t sin or complain or retaliate when He was abused that He did nothing. The truth of it is that there were many times that He just walked away – like when they tried to stone Him or push Him off the cliff. He allowed them to abuse and murder Him at His death because that was the plan all along and there was value in it. He doesn’t ask us to stay in abusive situations unless He has a plan that will bring about good in our lives and to His glory.
Is God asking you to stay where you are? Or are you choosing to remain in an abusive place out of a misconception that that is how Jesus insists it be done?
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Community
There have been some things in my life lately that have left me feeling alone, isolated; but God has brought back into my life an old friend who is able to help me see things more clearly. Then last night a friend caught me on Facebook and both have helped me realize that I truly am not alone, there are others who are going through the same experiences.
What I remembered last night while chatting online with my friend is that without community we truly do stand alone. The Bible encourages us to share one another's burden (Galatians 6:2) and yet our society tells us to keep our burdens to ourselves, to not bother others with our lives or our stories. Last night as my friend and I chatted she kept apologizing for bothering me with her stories, with her pain. I do the same thing, I bury my pain deep inside me and then wonder why I feel isolated from the world and my friends.
If we do not speak up, if we do not talk to others about all the things in our lives, good and bad, then we do not have community and it is our own fault for it. If I share with you only the good I make you a fairweather friend in my head, if I am willing to be vulnerable enough to share with you the negative in my life then I give you the opportunity to help me bear burdens, as the Bible asks us all to. When I keep silent, then I deprive you of that same opportunity.
A true community shares all of life, hiding nothing from itself. When we do not stand up for each other, care for each other and bear the burdens of our neighbours we have a superficial community that will not stand up for long against the trials of the world. It will fall apart and leave us without even the semblance of a safe place.
I encourage you to step outside of your fears, be vulnerable and share some of your fears and burdens with those in your community. If you feel completely isolated, chose one or two safe people to be vulnerable with (call a hotline if you need to!) and reach out to those around you, parents, siblings, coworkers, friends. It will change your life for the better.
I am participating in Blog Carnival. Today's word to write on is: Community. If you want to take part, or to read the amazing posts from fellow bloggers, please go here and immerse yourself in the wonder and the magic of being connected to an amazing community of thoughtful folk here in cyberland.
What I remembered last night while chatting online with my friend is that without community we truly do stand alone. The Bible encourages us to share one another's burden (Galatians 6:2) and yet our society tells us to keep our burdens to ourselves, to not bother others with our lives or our stories. Last night as my friend and I chatted she kept apologizing for bothering me with her stories, with her pain. I do the same thing, I bury my pain deep inside me and then wonder why I feel isolated from the world and my friends.
If we do not speak up, if we do not talk to others about all the things in our lives, good and bad, then we do not have community and it is our own fault for it. If I share with you only the good I make you a fairweather friend in my head, if I am willing to be vulnerable enough to share with you the negative in my life then I give you the opportunity to help me bear burdens, as the Bible asks us all to. When I keep silent, then I deprive you of that same opportunity.
A true community shares all of life, hiding nothing from itself. When we do not stand up for each other, care for each other and bear the burdens of our neighbours we have a superficial community that will not stand up for long against the trials of the world. It will fall apart and leave us without even the semblance of a safe place.
I encourage you to step outside of your fears, be vulnerable and share some of your fears and burdens with those in your community. If you feel completely isolated, chose one or two safe people to be vulnerable with (call a hotline if you need to!) and reach out to those around you, parents, siblings, coworkers, friends. It will change your life for the better.
I am participating in Blog Carnival. Today's word to write on is: Community. If you want to take part, or to read the amazing posts from fellow bloggers, please go here and immerse yourself in the wonder and the magic of being connected to an amazing community of thoughtful folk here in cyberland.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Remembering
My siblings were born 6 years and 6 days apart. In fact, my baby brother was due on our big sister's birthday but he chose to wait 6 days and hence the 6 day difference. It tends to make this week a difficult one for me the past few years.
Birthdays are big for me. They are a time to celebrate life and love and family and I can still celebrate that for them, but not with them. Instead their birthdays have become a time to grieve and to remember that time with them is lost for now. It is a choice. I have chosen a time that it is okay for me to miss them terribly, that allows one day to be a painful one of intense memory and missing. To be sure I miss them intensely on other days, days that sneak up on me and hurt just because they are not here to be with, but on their birthdays I give myself permission to think about all the times we had and miss the times we will never have.
I started this when my brother died, his birthday is Nov 12 and I connect his death with the war that we all fight against Satan. The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 5:8 to "Be self-controlled and alert. (because) Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." Satan stalked my brother and won, that is the naked truth of it. I am joyful that just because Satan won the battle does not necessarily mean that my brother lost the war. I look forward to a time when I can see him again. Remembrance Day for me has evolved into a day when we remember those who fought/fight these earthly wars but it also extends a day longer and is a day when I remember my brother, the sacrifices he made along the way and the lesson he left behind to help us make wiser decisions along our way.
One of the reasons I chose to remember my siblings on their birthdays is because I chose to NOT ruin the holidays with grief over missing them and wishing they were with us. My sister died just a couple days before Christmas and I refuse to allow Christmas to be ruined by the grief that comes from remembering the way she died or how much I miss her. My children and her children deserve better.
We need to set aside a time for remembering, lest we forget. We need to remember all of those who have died in the course of life, for whatever reason, to learn from their life and mistakes, to follow our own path without dying in our grief.
I chose the week surrounding Remembrance Day to also remember my sister Angela and my brother Cory because their birthdays straddle it. Cory's birthday is becoming a day to celebrate who he was and what he meant to me, I am sure that with time, so will Angela's.
What day will you choose to make sure your loved ones are not forgotten? A day you give yourself permission to grieve and remember them?
Birthdays are big for me. They are a time to celebrate life and love and family and I can still celebrate that for them, but not with them. Instead their birthdays have become a time to grieve and to remember that time with them is lost for now. It is a choice. I have chosen a time that it is okay for me to miss them terribly, that allows one day to be a painful one of intense memory and missing. To be sure I miss them intensely on other days, days that sneak up on me and hurt just because they are not here to be with, but on their birthdays I give myself permission to think about all the times we had and miss the times we will never have.
I started this when my brother died, his birthday is Nov 12 and I connect his death with the war that we all fight against Satan. The Bible tells us in 1 Peter 5:8 to "Be self-controlled and alert. (because) Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." Satan stalked my brother and won, that is the naked truth of it. I am joyful that just because Satan won the battle does not necessarily mean that my brother lost the war. I look forward to a time when I can see him again. Remembrance Day for me has evolved into a day when we remember those who fought/fight these earthly wars but it also extends a day longer and is a day when I remember my brother, the sacrifices he made along the way and the lesson he left behind to help us make wiser decisions along our way.
One of the reasons I chose to remember my siblings on their birthdays is because I chose to NOT ruin the holidays with grief over missing them and wishing they were with us. My sister died just a couple days before Christmas and I refuse to allow Christmas to be ruined by the grief that comes from remembering the way she died or how much I miss her. My children and her children deserve better.
We need to set aside a time for remembering, lest we forget. We need to remember all of those who have died in the course of life, for whatever reason, to learn from their life and mistakes, to follow our own path without dying in our grief.
I chose the week surrounding Remembrance Day to also remember my sister Angela and my brother Cory because their birthdays straddle it. Cory's birthday is becoming a day to celebrate who he was and what he meant to me, I am sure that with time, so will Angela's.
What day will you choose to make sure your loved ones are not forgotten? A day you give yourself permission to grieve and remember them?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Silencing the tapes
I sang this weekend with a professional singer and the entire time I was practicing with her, I battled my "tapes" that were continually sounding off that I wasn't good enough, that I would ruin her performance, that I would mess it up and everyone would know that I really am not a good singer.
See, Friday night we met to practice. There was one other lady, also singing back-up for The Singer and we were learning new songs and learning harmonies to those songs. For this other lady, she has a college degree in music, it's simple for her to pick out a harmony and sing it - she loves to do that, it is one of her strengths and joys and she's good at it. I love to sing melody. I'm content to let someone else harmonize, I love to just sing it out. I can't do that as back-up singer - The Singer gets the melody, I have to learn a harmony. That's okay, I can learn it, and as I discovered this weekend, I can even pick one out that sounds pretty good. As we practiced together, The Singer chose the other lady to sing duet with her in a few parts and even to lead out on one of the songs. That helped set off my tapes of not being a good singer, and of sounding badly.
The point is, I did it, and I did it fairly well. I stretched myself beyond my own feelings of capability and came through. I wasn't perfect, I did mess up and miss a few things, but it still sounded good. I discovered that I can actually harmonize, I can do something different and still succeed. Most importantly, I learned that even when I can't turn off the tapes, I CAN fight past them and refuse to believe their lies.
See, the tapes this weekend were so huge that I even dreamed that THE singer had asked me to not sing with her. I was in tears trying to learn parts - not because it was hard but partly because of my fear and my ongoing tapes (and partly my exhausted emotional state). Sometimes the tapes don't give up. I have big dreams, I want to sing in a big way, to share a message, my testimony through song, to hopefully change lives with my story and music. In the past, I have allowed that dream to be trampled on and crushed and now that I have chosen to let it live again the tapes are louder, they are fighting to be heard, to kill this recently replenished dream. I am choosing to ignore the tapes. The longer I ignore them, the more I prove them to be untrue, the better able I will be to give that dream true life, to embrace the opportunities that come my way and hopefully, one day, see my dream come true. This time, I chose to NOT give up on it, to stretch and push until it comes to fruition.
I couldn't silence the tapes this weekend so I did the next best thing. I fought past them, I kept going despite them. Then, most importantly, I found a friend and confessed to her my need and my fears and I asked her to pray for me. I know that she did because I felt God's strength in my heart and my voice as I sang. Through the performance, I sang and I sang it right and the tapes were silenced. I didn't ruin the songs or the worship. God sustained me and gave me abilities that I didn't know or believe I had before. I praise Him because only He can carry me through. Only He gives me the strength and the ability to push past my fears and anxieties to succeed and accomplish something new and scary.
He is an amazing, mighty God and I am grateful that He is the one who carries me through.
See, Friday night we met to practice. There was one other lady, also singing back-up for The Singer and we were learning new songs and learning harmonies to those songs. For this other lady, she has a college degree in music, it's simple for her to pick out a harmony and sing it - she loves to do that, it is one of her strengths and joys and she's good at it. I love to sing melody. I'm content to let someone else harmonize, I love to just sing it out. I can't do that as back-up singer - The Singer gets the melody, I have to learn a harmony. That's okay, I can learn it, and as I discovered this weekend, I can even pick one out that sounds pretty good. As we practiced together, The Singer chose the other lady to sing duet with her in a few parts and even to lead out on one of the songs. That helped set off my tapes of not being a good singer, and of sounding badly.
The point is, I did it, and I did it fairly well. I stretched myself beyond my own feelings of capability and came through. I wasn't perfect, I did mess up and miss a few things, but it still sounded good. I discovered that I can actually harmonize, I can do something different and still succeed. Most importantly, I learned that even when I can't turn off the tapes, I CAN fight past them and refuse to believe their lies.
See, the tapes this weekend were so huge that I even dreamed that THE singer had asked me to not sing with her. I was in tears trying to learn parts - not because it was hard but partly because of my fear and my ongoing tapes (and partly my exhausted emotional state). Sometimes the tapes don't give up. I have big dreams, I want to sing in a big way, to share a message, my testimony through song, to hopefully change lives with my story and music. In the past, I have allowed that dream to be trampled on and crushed and now that I have chosen to let it live again the tapes are louder, they are fighting to be heard, to kill this recently replenished dream. I am choosing to ignore the tapes. The longer I ignore them, the more I prove them to be untrue, the better able I will be to give that dream true life, to embrace the opportunities that come my way and hopefully, one day, see my dream come true. This time, I chose to NOT give up on it, to stretch and push until it comes to fruition.
I couldn't silence the tapes this weekend so I did the next best thing. I fought past them, I kept going despite them. Then, most importantly, I found a friend and confessed to her my need and my fears and I asked her to pray for me. I know that she did because I felt God's strength in my heart and my voice as I sang. Through the performance, I sang and I sang it right and the tapes were silenced. I didn't ruin the songs or the worship. God sustained me and gave me abilities that I didn't know or believe I had before. I praise Him because only He can carry me through. Only He gives me the strength and the ability to push past my fears and anxieties to succeed and accomplish something new and scary.
He is an amazing, mighty God and I am grateful that He is the one who carries me through.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Last night, after climbing into bed, I had the perfect thought to share here today. However, of course, this morning it is gone. Sometimes my best thoughts are when I am lying down in bed, of course, it is at those moments when I don't have a pen & paper or computer to write them down and no real desire to get up to find one.
Sometimes life is like that. The best response to someone's comments come after we have walked away, the best comeback to an insult is thought of the next day. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes, however, when a response is necessary, a pause can be misinterpreted. This happened to me last night. I was on the phone with a friend and, as we were discussing a rather sensitive topic, I was being careful with my words. Unfortunately, she felt I was distracted or too tired and we left the conversation for another day. I was pretty tired, so perhaps that is okay. I can research my answers and give her a proper Biblical response when we meet again later this week.
It's okay to put a conversation on hold to a later time. It helps to organize thoughts and present them in a non-offensive way that may be more easily heard. Sometimes, it just changes your frame of mind. Sometimes we can't put off the conversation, but during those times we can be sure that God will present the answers and guide our words if we only ask Him to. We just need to use our discretion and wisdom in every situation.
God bless you today. May your words be a blessing to others as you open yourself up to serve Him today.
Sometimes life is like that. The best response to someone's comments come after we have walked away, the best comeback to an insult is thought of the next day. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes, however, when a response is necessary, a pause can be misinterpreted. This happened to me last night. I was on the phone with a friend and, as we were discussing a rather sensitive topic, I was being careful with my words. Unfortunately, she felt I was distracted or too tired and we left the conversation for another day. I was pretty tired, so perhaps that is okay. I can research my answers and give her a proper Biblical response when we meet again later this week.
It's okay to put a conversation on hold to a later time. It helps to organize thoughts and present them in a non-offensive way that may be more easily heard. Sometimes, it just changes your frame of mind. Sometimes we can't put off the conversation, but during those times we can be sure that God will present the answers and guide our words if we only ask Him to. We just need to use our discretion and wisdom in every situation.
God bless you today. May your words be a blessing to others as you open yourself up to serve Him today.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Speaking out
I shared my testimony at church yesterday. It was harder than I thought it would be, but at the same time it was freeing and exhilarating. God is such an amazing God. He calls us to tasks that we will be good at. He calls us to do things that He knows we will enjoy.
I have often felt that my story is of no value. I was wrong. Yesterday, people listened. Some of them heard a message they needed to hear, others left thinking and minds were opened to the dangers that face our children, our hearts. I pray that it brings healing to some and protection to others.
Some feel we should not speak about these things in church with children present, yet if we do not speak out, these things continue to happen. Just as we need to learn from the history of our world, we also need to learn from the history of the lives of those around us.
I feel God is calling me to share my story and I am eager to obey His word. Where He takes me from here, I am excited to find out.
God bless you today.
I have often felt that my story is of no value. I was wrong. Yesterday, people listened. Some of them heard a message they needed to hear, others left thinking and minds were opened to the dangers that face our children, our hearts. I pray that it brings healing to some and protection to others.
Some feel we should not speak about these things in church with children present, yet if we do not speak out, these things continue to happen. Just as we need to learn from the history of our world, we also need to learn from the history of the lives of those around us.
I feel God is calling me to share my story and I am eager to obey His word. Where He takes me from here, I am excited to find out.
God bless you today.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I speak at church this morning. I am filled with conflicting emotions, nervousness, excitement, thankfulness, peace... I am going to give my testimony. It's been a dream I've had lately to begin sharing my story to hopefully help others find healing and escape from abuse and pain. In reality, my dream is to eventually use songs and speaking to share my story and draw others to discover their own journey of freedom, hope and peace.
It's been a long journey for me. A process that sometimes I wanted to give up on, but now I feel that God can finally cause good to come from the evil, as He promises to. I am excited to know that can happen, and that God is making it happen through me. A part of me feels like today is the dawn of a new era, a new chapter in my life.
I pray that I do not get in my own way. I pray that I will always remember that God is the driving force and giver of this ministry and that I am just a vehicle, vessel willing to be used by Him. I hope that is your prayer also.
It's been a long journey for me. A process that sometimes I wanted to give up on, but now I feel that God can finally cause good to come from the evil, as He promises to. I am excited to know that can happen, and that God is making it happen through me. A part of me feels like today is the dawn of a new era, a new chapter in my life.
I pray that I do not get in my own way. I pray that I will always remember that God is the driving force and giver of this ministry and that I am just a vehicle, vessel willing to be used by Him. I hope that is your prayer also.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Messages
I'm writing again, just not here. So, I am reminded to write here again.
I'm writing a sermon, of sorts. It's a testimony, sharing my life story and how God has saved me and worked in me to provide healing and salvation. It's not an easy story to write, much less share publicly, yet one I feel called to tell. It's interesting also because in the telling I realize how much God has healed my heart. It's a good feeling, it's good to know that the healing takes place even when we don't realize it is happening.
I speak on August 29. I'm nervous about it. I want people to hear how God can heal us in the midst of pain, but I also want them to hear the pain. It's abuse awareness Sabbath and I want them to become aware that abuse happens in the lives of those close to us and we don't realize. I want them to be inspired to DO something when they see something wrong happening. I could use your prayers. Mostly, I want God to speak and to have Him give the message that each person most needs to hear.
I'm rambling tonight, but wanted you to know I am still out here. I am working on life and living and will be back soon!
God bless you. May you hear His voice and the message He has for you today.
I'm writing a sermon, of sorts. It's a testimony, sharing my life story and how God has saved me and worked in me to provide healing and salvation. It's not an easy story to write, much less share publicly, yet one I feel called to tell. It's interesting also because in the telling I realize how much God has healed my heart. It's a good feeling, it's good to know that the healing takes place even when we don't realize it is happening.
I speak on August 29. I'm nervous about it. I want people to hear how God can heal us in the midst of pain, but I also want them to hear the pain. It's abuse awareness Sabbath and I want them to become aware that abuse happens in the lives of those close to us and we don't realize. I want them to be inspired to DO something when they see something wrong happening. I could use your prayers. Mostly, I want God to speak and to have Him give the message that each person most needs to hear.
I'm rambling tonight, but wanted you to know I am still out here. I am working on life and living and will be back soon!
God bless you. May you hear His voice and the message He has for you today.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Complete Honesty
1 Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
2 Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,"
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
Psalm 32:1-2
Do I live my life in complete honesty? To say that I am in complete honesty is a bit like claiming to be perfect... yet, these verses are not saying I must be willing to be honest with myself, God and others so I can be forgiven and have my record cleared of guilt.
So, why do I feel fear at the idea of living in complete honesty? I know that it would be freeing, yet I feel fear at the thought, to be totally visible and vulnerable. Some of it even comes from the thought that if I am totally honest with myself and others that my sins will be clear and I will discover that I am not a nice or good person.
Lord, I want to live in complete honesty. I want my sins forgiven and set out of sight, to have my guilt cleared. Please help me to be completely honest with You, with myself and others, especially M. Help me to have Your wisdom when I need to be honest with others so that Your love shines through the truth that needs to be spoken. Amen
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
2 Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,"
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
Psalm 32:1-2
Do I live my life in complete honesty? To say that I am in complete honesty is a bit like claiming to be perfect... yet, these verses are not saying I must be willing to be honest with myself, God and others so I can be forgiven and have my record cleared of guilt.
So, why do I feel fear at the idea of living in complete honesty? I know that it would be freeing, yet I feel fear at the thought, to be totally visible and vulnerable. Some of it even comes from the thought that if I am totally honest with myself and others that my sins will be clear and I will discover that I am not a nice or good person.
Lord, I want to live in complete honesty. I want my sins forgiven and set out of sight, to have my guilt cleared. Please help me to be completely honest with You, with myself and others, especially M. Help me to have Your wisdom when I need to be honest with others so that Your love shines through the truth that needs to be spoken. Amen
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
My husband did a wonderful thing and sold his computer in order to buy a piano for our family, actually for my birthday present! I am delighted!! I have so enjoyed having a piano in the home for the last week and have been playing daily. Last night, I was even able to write the music for a new song I've written. It's amazing, actually. When we open our hearts to hear God and allow Him to give us gifts and talents, and put them to use, we are refreshed and invigorated by the gift He gives us.
Sometimes I have felt fear that God would give me something that would be difficult to do, or something I wouldn't WANT to do. Sometimes, like Moses, He calls us to do something we don't enjoy or don't feel good at. Truth was, God had prepared Moses for the task before him. Moses had been trained at the school of the Pharaohs and likely had speech classes, leadership lessons and God had taught him total reliance on Himself during his years of wilderness living. All Moses lacked was self-esteem. There even came a time when Moses did stand on his own and did not rely on Aaron to be his spokesperson.
The truth is that God doesn't call us to do something He hasn't prepared us for, or will give us the ability to do. He calls us to do something that He needs, something that He knows we will be good at and enjoy. I am enjoying the journey and I hope I remember the lesson that no matter where He leads, He has already prepared me for the task and knows I am the best person for the job. Truth is, I'll probably enjoy it too.
Are you enjoying your journey? Or are you fighting God's will in your life? Surrender to Him and discover how much more abundant your life can be.
Sometimes I have felt fear that God would give me something that would be difficult to do, or something I wouldn't WANT to do. Sometimes, like Moses, He calls us to do something we don't enjoy or don't feel good at. Truth was, God had prepared Moses for the task before him. Moses had been trained at the school of the Pharaohs and likely had speech classes, leadership lessons and God had taught him total reliance on Himself during his years of wilderness living. All Moses lacked was self-esteem. There even came a time when Moses did stand on his own and did not rely on Aaron to be his spokesperson.
The truth is that God doesn't call us to do something He hasn't prepared us for, or will give us the ability to do. He calls us to do something that He needs, something that He knows we will be good at and enjoy. I am enjoying the journey and I hope I remember the lesson that no matter where He leads, He has already prepared me for the task and knows I am the best person for the job. Truth is, I'll probably enjoy it too.
Are you enjoying your journey? Or are you fighting God's will in your life? Surrender to Him and discover how much more abundant your life can be.
Monday, July 13, 2009
I Did It!!
For the last few weeks, I have been praying about where God is leading me, what He wants me to be doing, what His "call" is for me.
I have just returned home from 10 days at our church Camp Meeting. It is always a joy to me, something I look forward to every year, a week of spiritual refreshment filled with the opportunity to catch up with old friends, make new friends and just relax for a while.
This year, I was privileged to sing again. On the first Sabbath (Saturday) I sang 2 songs at the Concert in the Park - one of which was the song I wrote! It was an amazing experience!! I loved it. My song was well received and many people stopped to let me know they were blessed by it. On Monday, I was performed my first "full" concert - 1/2 hour of songs praising God. When I was done, I realized that God had given me my "call" a while back and I have just moved very slowly in accepting it. After my concert I returned to my tent, on a high, praising God for His gift to me, and wrote another song of praise to Him. Although, as I told my husband, M, on the way home, I feel like I am just a pencil for the words God gives me.
Where will this lead? I don't know. I only know that my call is to write my own songs and to sing to praise God and tell His story through my life. One day I pray that I will put out a CD, but one step at a time and all in God's time. My plan for now is to keep writing, to keep singing, to make myself available to sing wherever possible and to put together a concert that tells the story of my life and how God has carried me through every moment of it.
Have you heard your "calling"? Have you asked Him for it? When I finally understood what it was God wanted me to be doing it was a joy and a blessing that uplifted my soul. He will never put anything on us that will be a burden, He wants us to have an abundant life, in all its fullness.
I have just returned home from 10 days at our church Camp Meeting. It is always a joy to me, something I look forward to every year, a week of spiritual refreshment filled with the opportunity to catch up with old friends, make new friends and just relax for a while.
This year, I was privileged to sing again. On the first Sabbath (Saturday) I sang 2 songs at the Concert in the Park - one of which was the song I wrote! It was an amazing experience!! I loved it. My song was well received and many people stopped to let me know they were blessed by it. On Monday, I was performed my first "full" concert - 1/2 hour of songs praising God. When I was done, I realized that God had given me my "call" a while back and I have just moved very slowly in accepting it. After my concert I returned to my tent, on a high, praising God for His gift to me, and wrote another song of praise to Him. Although, as I told my husband, M, on the way home, I feel like I am just a pencil for the words God gives me.
Where will this lead? I don't know. I only know that my call is to write my own songs and to sing to praise God and tell His story through my life. One day I pray that I will put out a CD, but one step at a time and all in God's time. My plan for now is to keep writing, to keep singing, to make myself available to sing wherever possible and to put together a concert that tells the story of my life and how God has carried me through every moment of it.
Have you heard your "calling"? Have you asked Him for it? When I finally understood what it was God wanted me to be doing it was a joy and a blessing that uplifted my soul. He will never put anything on us that will be a burden, He wants us to have an abundant life, in all its fullness.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Being Committed...
There is a saying, taught at Choices, that says "be committed to do what it takes to get what you want". It's a great saying and one I've been giving much thought to lately.
It's great to say "I'm committed to doing what it takes to get what I want", but it doesn't amount to much if you don't know what you want! I've been committed to doing what it takes, but recently had to sit down and figure out what that meant for me. Honestly, I didn't really know what I wanted, where I was going. I've been coasting along, doing what it takes to survive, but the truth is I don't want to just survive! I want to thrive, to succeed, to grow, to do more and be more....
I've been reading a couple of books by Ben Carson and have felt myself challenged to figure out what it is I want in life, to put in writing what I want to accomplish and how I want to live. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life and since attending Choices I have rediscovered dreams I had let go of or buried many years ago and uncovered new ones that I hadn't dared to consider, but I had not taken that step beyond dreaming to actually making a plan to realize those dreams.
So, I set goals. I figured out what it would take to meet those goals and then I asked myself the question "am I willing to commit to doing THIS in order to have THAT?" I got specific with myself.
I am willing to commit to doing what it takes to have what I want. I just had to work it backwards so I knew what I wanted and how to get it.
What about you? What do you want? Do you know what it will take to get it? Are you willing to commit to doing that or is it too far beyond your reach, too much of a leap? Do you need to take baby steps, re-evaluating where you are in life and how much you are capable of doing until you can achieve the larger goal at the end? Do you need inspiration? I encourage and even challenge you to read the books by Ben Carson. See how he got where he is and be inspired to be the best you can be!
It's great to say "I'm committed to doing what it takes to get what I want", but it doesn't amount to much if you don't know what you want! I've been committed to doing what it takes, but recently had to sit down and figure out what that meant for me. Honestly, I didn't really know what I wanted, where I was going. I've been coasting along, doing what it takes to survive, but the truth is I don't want to just survive! I want to thrive, to succeed, to grow, to do more and be more....
I've been reading a couple of books by Ben Carson and have felt myself challenged to figure out what it is I want in life, to put in writing what I want to accomplish and how I want to live. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life and since attending Choices I have rediscovered dreams I had let go of or buried many years ago and uncovered new ones that I hadn't dared to consider, but I had not taken that step beyond dreaming to actually making a plan to realize those dreams.
So, I set goals. I figured out what it would take to meet those goals and then I asked myself the question "am I willing to commit to doing THIS in order to have THAT?" I got specific with myself.
I am willing to commit to doing what it takes to have what I want. I just had to work it backwards so I knew what I wanted and how to get it.
What about you? What do you want? Do you know what it will take to get it? Are you willing to commit to doing that or is it too far beyond your reach, too much of a leap? Do you need to take baby steps, re-evaluating where you are in life and how much you are capable of doing until you can achieve the larger goal at the end? Do you need inspiration? I encourage and even challenge you to read the books by Ben Carson. See how he got where he is and be inspired to be the best you can be!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I'm feeling my age this weekend. LOL Along with the fact that my age keeps going on a rapid rise towards 40 (yikes!), I attended Parkview Adventist Academy's graduation this past weekend.
I had a delightful time, actually! Aside from the fact that we are all 20 years (give or take) older and a few of us were missing, relationships have changed and we bring along a gaggle of younger children, our old high school gang was (mostly) gathered together and enjoying a reunion of sorts. Two of our old group had children graduating from high school. ACH! I can't believe that enough time has passed for "our" children to passing into that age-old ceremony from childhood to adulthood. Wow. How many years have passed since we celebrated that end of an era, step into responsibility, freedom filled moment? For me, 19 years already. Enough years that, if I had married and had children young, my kids could have been up there today.
I don't wish my life to be different though. My life, my family is where God has chosen me to be, and there is no better place than that. It allows me to age slowly, gracefully? :) Allow me my fantasy. :)
It was a beautiful weekend, filled with remembrances of happy and sad times, relationships and life when we were young and fairly care-free. When we formed those lifelong friendships that transcend time and location to survive, whether we see each other once a year, once a month, once a decade, those friendships spring up and we are instantly bonded and having fun. It is something that I am grateful for.
Truth is, everywhere I go I have the opportunity to make lifelong, lasting friendships with people. When God puts us somewhere, He intends for us to use the desire and ability He gave us to interact with people, to impact their lives and to draw them to Him. There is one man from our long-ago group that especially did that for me. He heard the Spirit speak to him and listened. He sat down with me one day and made very clear to me how much God loved me. I felt God wrap His arms around me during the course of that conversation and that moment in time has saved my sanity, my life and my soul on many occasions.
What of you? Are you listening to that still, small voice? Are you sharing the light and love of Christ through your words and actions every day? You never know when that moment in time will be a life altering moment for someone else - or even for you one day.
God is an amazing God. I thank Him for the gift of relationships, for the gift of lifelong friendships and the ability to have memories of yesteryears to enjoy and to relive every now and then. I am thankful for this past weekend. What a delight to be able to walk down memory lane and come out with a smile on my face.
I had a delightful time, actually! Aside from the fact that we are all 20 years (give or take) older and a few of us were missing, relationships have changed and we bring along a gaggle of younger children, our old high school gang was (mostly) gathered together and enjoying a reunion of sorts. Two of our old group had children graduating from high school. ACH! I can't believe that enough time has passed for "our" children to passing into that age-old ceremony from childhood to adulthood. Wow. How many years have passed since we celebrated that end of an era, step into responsibility, freedom filled moment? For me, 19 years already. Enough years that, if I had married and had children young, my kids could have been up there today.
I don't wish my life to be different though. My life, my family is where God has chosen me to be, and there is no better place than that. It allows me to age slowly, gracefully? :) Allow me my fantasy. :)
It was a beautiful weekend, filled with remembrances of happy and sad times, relationships and life when we were young and fairly care-free. When we formed those lifelong friendships that transcend time and location to survive, whether we see each other once a year, once a month, once a decade, those friendships spring up and we are instantly bonded and having fun. It is something that I am grateful for.
Truth is, everywhere I go I have the opportunity to make lifelong, lasting friendships with people. When God puts us somewhere, He intends for us to use the desire and ability He gave us to interact with people, to impact their lives and to draw them to Him. There is one man from our long-ago group that especially did that for me. He heard the Spirit speak to him and listened. He sat down with me one day and made very clear to me how much God loved me. I felt God wrap His arms around me during the course of that conversation and that moment in time has saved my sanity, my life and my soul on many occasions.
What of you? Are you listening to that still, small voice? Are you sharing the light and love of Christ through your words and actions every day? You never know when that moment in time will be a life altering moment for someone else - or even for you one day.
God is an amazing God. I thank Him for the gift of relationships, for the gift of lifelong friendships and the ability to have memories of yesteryears to enjoy and to relive every now and then. I am thankful for this past weekend. What a delight to be able to walk down memory lane and come out with a smile on my face.
Monday, June 22, 2009
It has been a week of gifts for me.
I was gifted with the opportunity to spend some time with my nephews. My nephew, Jesse, was gifted with the blessing of a doctor who recognized a disguised bout of appendicitis and removed it before it exploded on the poor child. I was gifted with time spent alone with my other nephew, Colt. Charlie was gifted with a "new" bike and has quickly learned to ride it without training wheels! (Yay Charlie!) We were all gifted with time spent with family and friends. I was gifted with the opportunity to speak in church (my first sermon since Speech Class in College). I am gifted to have a concert at our church's upcoming camp meeting. I am gifted with friends. My neighbour gifted me with dozens of flowers to plant in my garden. I am gifted that I have the strength and energy to plant those flowers. I am gifted with helpful children that love to assist me in whatever I do. I am gifted with a man who is a loving father and husband. I was gifted with the opportunity to quietly, uninterruptedly visit with my mother.
Every now and then we need to stop and list our blessings, our gifts. It reminds us to accept them and to keep asking for them. As I spoke in church, if we do not go to God to ask for the gifts He so graciously holds for us, we cannot receive them. When we ask for what we want, we open the door to the possibility of receiving them. When we ask for, or claim, what God has already promised us, we open the door to possibilities beyond our imagination.
Today, I am thankful and because I am thankful, I am reminded to keep asking for what I want.
What do you want? Have you asked God for it? He's just waiting to give you good things!
I was gifted with the opportunity to spend some time with my nephews. My nephew, Jesse, was gifted with the blessing of a doctor who recognized a disguised bout of appendicitis and removed it before it exploded on the poor child. I was gifted with time spent alone with my other nephew, Colt. Charlie was gifted with a "new" bike and has quickly learned to ride it without training wheels! (Yay Charlie!) We were all gifted with time spent with family and friends. I was gifted with the opportunity to speak in church (my first sermon since Speech Class in College). I am gifted to have a concert at our church's upcoming camp meeting. I am gifted with friends. My neighbour gifted me with dozens of flowers to plant in my garden. I am gifted that I have the strength and energy to plant those flowers. I am gifted with helpful children that love to assist me in whatever I do. I am gifted with a man who is a loving father and husband. I was gifted with the opportunity to quietly, uninterruptedly visit with my mother.
Every now and then we need to stop and list our blessings, our gifts. It reminds us to accept them and to keep asking for them. As I spoke in church, if we do not go to God to ask for the gifts He so graciously holds for us, we cannot receive them. When we ask for what we want, we open the door to the possibility of receiving them. When we ask for, or claim, what God has already promised us, we open the door to possibilities beyond our imagination.
Today, I am thankful and because I am thankful, I am reminded to keep asking for what I want.
What do you want? Have you asked God for it? He's just waiting to give you good things!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
